Most Embarassing Classroom Experiences

What's your most embarrassing classroom experience? I can think of a few of my own.

Note: Anecdotes originally posted on the message board on January 14, 2002 and February 5, 2002.

1. Once on a fairly dry spring day I was having a private lesson with a student. I forget what the lesson was, but I was leaning over the desk to help the student with one of the exercises. As I leaned, I felt a tickle in my nostril and before I knew it a dried up booger fell out of my nose and landed on the student's textbook. I was absolutely mortified. The two of us just stared at it for the split second it took my face to turn a bright shade of purple. The student, bless his soul, let out a little laugh and I started laughing too and brushed off his book and we never mentioned it again. Needless to say, I check the old nose out for any potentially unstable snot regularly these days.

2. The most awkward situation I have ever had was during a group class when a student farted...audibly. It was horrendous because everyone in the classroom heard (and smelt) it and knew who did it. But the guilty party chose, a rather shy lad he was, to act as if nothing had happened. The other students, wishing to respect his feelings chose to do likewise, but you could see it on their faces that this was something they would really have cherished the opportunity to discuss in English. It was very very difficult to finish that lesson, but somehow I managed.

3. About 4 months ago we got a brand new teacher, an American, who I will refer to as Elvis to protect his identity. Elvis's apartment is right next to a big video shop. Within his first couple of weeks here he went over and took out a membership. Not having recieved his Gaijin card yet, he gave them his company card with the company phone number and address on it as identification. If you are ever in this situation, never do that. If you have no other choice but to do that, do not rent porn. If you absolutely have to rent porn, don't rent embarrasing high school girl lesbian gang bang porn. If someone is holding a gun to your head and strenuously demanding that you rent embarassing high school girl lesbian gang bang porn and you absolutely have no other choice, then for god's sake make sure you return that video on time. Because people who work at video stores are mostly minimum wage earning 20 year olds who don't care if they get fired and like to make their own fun by, say, sending form letters to foreigner's workplaces that explicitly ask why "Lesbo high school Girl gang bang princesses 4: Hiroko's Revenge" has not been returned at the agreed upon time. Thus, on a Tuesday morning like any other Elvis came into work and was met with what one must imagine to have been the most awkward situation in his life when several members of the all female Japanese staff, having opened the letter from the video shop which wasn't addressed specifically to him (those irrepressible video shop clerks at work again), told him that he owed a late fee to the video store because "Lesbo High School Girl Gang Bang Princesses 4: Hiroko's Revenge" was 3 days late. Since then, Elvis's schedule is stacked mainly with classes full of middle aged salary men.

4. I bought a second hand bike a couple weeks back. Its fine, but the problem is that the seat is a sponge and it soaks up water when it rains. So even though the thing looks dry, if you sit on it it`ll release its water on your butt. So I rode the thing to work the day after the typhoon last week and forgot to wrap the seat in a towel, so my ass got soaked. And I had a class first thing that day. So I spent the first 30 minutes of class sitting on my swivel chair and forgot about my wet ass. But then I had to stand up so we could do the group activity and when I did I looked down and saw to my horror a big wet ass shaped spot on my chair. So did my students, one of whom snickered and the rest of whom tried to pretend they saw nothing. Unfortunatley they were a begginer class so I couldn:t explain to them in English what had happened (You see, the seat is like a sponge , so even though it looks dry...Oh forget it!), and just had to try to laugh it off. They must have though I pissed myself or something. damned humiliating.

Add to those two about a dozen times my stomach has made loud growling noises that my patent 'fake coughing attack' technique only partially cover. Also the countless times I've carelessly picked up a textbook forgetting it was full of looseleaf handouts and flashcards only to see them all spill on the floor in front of me.
-senseiman

While working at a school called NCB (Network of Creative Brains -- I kid you not), I had to give model lessons to people that the sales staff would drag in off the street. I was given a small room with a desk, a couple of chairs, and a potted plant. Occasionally I'd get a homeless guy who wanted to come in from the cold. On this day, however, the sales staff brought a high school girl in. Typical looks, i.e. uniform, short skirt, dyed hair, etc. Everything went ok. After 15 minutes the lesson was up. I stood up, smiled, and showed her to the door. The sales staff led her away. I then turned around to straighten up her chair and noticed there was a bloody stain on it.
-JD

Years ago, I was a green English teacher at the Suginamiku Ei Gakuin in Koenji. The only American most of the students had ever had contact with. I was at the blackboard expounding about some English proverb when suddenly, the whole classroom started to shake violently, with the desks sliding, books falling, etc. The old building itself wasn't too sturdy, and we were on the 4th floor. I remember seeing the telephone poles swaying outside the window. Well, what did this intrepid 'teacher' do? I hightailed it out the nearest door and scrambled down to steps, racing to save my life before the building pancaked in a deadly heap. Out into the street I flew, safe (I thought), and shaking with fear. I looked around expecting to see my students there too. But I was all alone. After the tremors stopped, I sheepishly slipped back up the stairs into my classroom. They were all still there at their desks. Only the 'sensei' had fled---without the students... I fumbled around, trying to smile and make a covering joke or excuse that was plausible. The feeble effort I came up with was to do a 'special lesson' on how to react in emergencies, starting with bombing raids...
-Slavemaster

1. During a ladies' class one autumn I was thrashing around for any conversational thread to waste time and hit upon the topic of "mushrooms of Japan" which afforded all of 5 minutes of free conversation. Pretty good, I thought. Anyway, we talked about shiitake and maitake mushrooms before one young lady, Yuki, mentioned matsutake, which I'd never heard of. To waste a bit more time I asked her to draw a picture on the board so she got up, picked up a board marker...and then suddenly froze. But her Japanese instincts to persevere took over, and she slowly drew a matsutake mushroom on the board. If you've ever seen them you'll know they look exactly like a cock and the one she drew was a humdinger... big with a full sized helmet. Her face grew redder and redder and when she finished she just hung her head in shame as the other ladies looked from the board to me in horror. Poor thing. But the funny thing is that afterwards I was thinking that I probably subconsciously knew matsutake mushrooms looked like that and I'd done the whole thing on purpose. Oh well, whenever I eat them now (matsutake mushrooms, that is) I remember Yuki.

2. Another embarrassing moment happened outside the classroom. I was lurking around the local ito-yokado during a break, trying to put as much space between myself and the school before the next lesson, when I bumped into one of the students I'd be teaching in 30 minutes, a woman in her early forties. I managed a smile and said hello, before an awkward silence ensued. Spontaneously I asked "What are you buying?" and as we both looked down at her shopping basket I realised it was full of boxes of tampons and panty-liners. Christ, I'd never seen so tampons in one basket in my life! She was backing off and trying to cover them up but my head was reeling and in my confusion I asked "what...what..are they?" That was it. She just literally ran off and I was left standing there thinking what the receptionist might say as she informed me that another student had quit after just a few short weeks. But this woman turned up at the lesson and pretended nothing had happened. It can be useful sometimes..."the Japanese way"...

3. One more situation occurred with some kids. I usually try to avoid farting in adult lessons but don't give a damn with a group of kids as they just blame it on each other. Anyway, I must have had natto with boiled eggs or something the night before as this particular day I really cut the cheese with one silent but deadly emission. The kids started gagging and accussing little Yasuhiko who had actually dropped one the week before. He denied it so vehemently that tears welled up in his eyes. And then Chieko, a kind of Japanese "Lucy from Peanuts" and the de facto leader, slowly turned to look straight at me and said in Japanese, "I bet it was James-sensei...it's that kind of smell." All the other kids took it up and started chanting "James farted, James farted" in Japanese. I was on the defensive and started blushing involuntarily. The kids realised their victory and started chanting louder at which point I noticed 2 or 3 faces peering in through the observation window of the door...the mothers were here and the lesson was almost over. As the little group descended the stairs later, the last comment I heard in response to a mum asking how her little one's lesson had been was "I feel sick cos James-sensei dropped his guts in the lesson." Another satisfied customer...

4. Had the same dried up bogie falling on the desk experience. Of course it was during a class with my most attractive student, a svelte and demure 32 year-old career woman, who couldn't stop herself looking aghast. She quit a few weeks later but she might have quit anyway. A few weeks later she came back to visit the receptionist (no intention to speak to me I think) but I forced her to have a chat with me anyway. While we were talking I managed to spill my cup of coffee over myself and splash some onto her beige business suit. Poor woman. She must have been thinking "Jeez..."

5. Another embarrassing experience I used to have was working in one of our branches where the toilet was, for some bizarre reason, located directly across from the reception desk. Well, you know how thin and crappy the dividing walls are between rooms in English schools...and this place was no exception. So there I was every Friday, after our regular Thursday "Kirin" evening, perched over the bowl in this bog, trying desperately to take a dump quietly, with the gorgeous receptionist sitting less than 2 metres away. Needless to say that every week my bowels refused to play ball and let rip with a monstrously explosive fart/crap that seemed to shake the paper-thin walls with its ferocity. I always tried to imagine the receptionist's face as it happened, did she bat an eyelid, did she look up, did she silently gag...? Who knows...
-Jim

I was standing in a class of 4 students teaching pretty low level grammar. It just so happens that a brand new teacher was in my class observing. I was in no way nervous... I got over that a while ago... ... all was well with my lovely class of highschool girls and one young business man when I asked a fatal question.

You see, the topic of snowmen came up in class. I wanted to ask the students the difference between snowmen in the states and snowmen in japan. In Japan there are only 2 sections to a snowman... and while there are certainly variations present, most North American snowmen have 3. So how did I ask? With 3 words already out of my mouth I was forced to finish what is probably the stupidest question I have ever asked. "How many balls does a Japanese snowman have?" I froze... did my newbie observer notice... i think not... looks like he was dozing off still down from jetlag... did my students notice, obviously not, schoolgirl #1 raises her hand and with a proud smile says "A Japanese snowman has 2 balls, and an American one has 3. American is more big, because there is many snows..."
good answer my friend...
-Killian