I Am the Man-Bat!

The best thing about working at Geos was meeting all the really nice students. That's probably the only redeeming quality of the place. I got to meet a lot of very nice people.

Sometimes I was asked to do things above and beyond the call of duty and I was very happy to oblige. One of my students worked for an insurance company. They had just bought and moved into a smaller regional office and they wanted some English on the huge windows facing the street to ad a certain air of sophistication to the place. My student asked me to compose something suitable for the front window.

I gave it some thought and composed what I thought was appropriate for an insurance office. "We work to garner the trust of our clients. When you need us, we'll be there."

I gave it to my student and asked if it was any good. The student took it to his office to let the chief have a look.

A week later, the student returned with my little contribution and said, "Uhhh... No. This isn't what we're looking for."
"Oh... what would you like me to write?"
"Something a little playful."
"Playful? What kind of insurance company wants a playful message painted on its windows?"
"My boss wants something funny. Something the average customer might not be able to understand but if they do, they'll never forget us."
"OK. Give me another chance."
"Thank you."

I thought about it a little more and came up with what I thought was a little playful but not outrageous: "Invest in us and God willing, you'll never need us."

I gave it to my student the next week and he took it back to his boss. Once again the student returned to the school and said, "No."
"What? I don't get it. What on earth kind of message do you want to paint on the windows of your office?"
By this time, my student had enlisted the help of Ayuko, the senior Japanese teacher at our school. He told her the gist of the message he wanted and she relayed it to me.
"They want something kind of crazy. Something funny."
"Don't they think that'll drive customers away?"
"It's going to be painted in fancy calligraphy. It'll be almost impossible for anyone to read."
"Alright. I'll give it another shot."

This time I decided to write something that would never be accepted because if they painted it on the window it would be professional suicide. I just wanted my student to come back and say something like, "Wait! This is too much!"

This is what I came up with: "Give your money to us you dummy. We'll give you far less than satisfactory service. If you're not careful, we'll rob you blind."

I gave it to the student and guess what? It was painted in bold letters on the front window of the office.

One of the "character" students at the school was Mr. Tabata. He was an elderly gentleman about seventy years old or so. He seemed to really enjoy his English lessons.

One day he came up to me with a script he had written for some kind of monologue. He wanted to tape record me reading it.

The script went something like this:
"Hello you people. Listen to me. You must. You cannot not listen to me for I am the Man Bat! I am great friends with Tabata-san. He is my agent. Listen to him and do as he says!"
The script went on a little more in a similar vein.

"What is this, Tabata-san? What am I reading?"
"I would like you to read this into a tape recorder for me."
"Are you going to play this to your grandchildren, or something?"
"...yes. That's right. For my grandchildren. I will play it for them."
"'Man Bat'? Don't you mean 'Batman'?" I asked.
"No! I want you to be the voice of the man in that movie. The new movie. All the people have the T-shirts"
"I think you mean Batman..."
"Can you read this for me?"
"Yeah sure, but I really think you mean to say Batman."

Tabata-san ran to get Ayuko.

"Tabata-san wants you to read this script into his tape recorder." Ayuko said.
"Yeah, I've gathered that much."
"So what's the big deal?"
"I think he means Batman and not Man Bat"
Ayuko conferred with Tabata-san.
"He means Batman." Ayuko said.
"I thought so." I said.
"Can you do it?"
"Yes. No problem. I'll do it. I just wanted to make sure he knew it was Batman and not Man Bat."
Ayuko spoke with Tabata-san a little more. He spoke quietly. He seemed a little embarrassed. Ayuko rolled her eyes and said, "OK. Great. Do it." she turned and left.

Tabata-san fidgeted with the cassette recorder and a microphone. He passed me the script barely visible printed with a dull pencil on yellow paper.
"Please read into the microphone." he said.
"I'll try." I said.
I started to read: "Hello you people. Listen to me..."
"No! That's not it! Read it better!" Tabata-san said snapping the tape player off.
"OK, I'll really try to emote next time." I promised.
"'Emote?' I don't know what that means. Just do it better." he said.
"Alright, alright, just start the tape."
He clicked the play/record buttons.
"Hello you people. Listen to me..." I said in my best Batman-esque voice. I looked at him to see if this was working for him. He had his eyes closed tightly and he was pinching the bridge of his nose.
I continued, "You cannot not listen to me for I am Batman..."
"Stop!" Tabata-san pushed the stop button.
What the hell? I thought.
"You must speak like the Man Bat. Be strong like the Man Bat. These are my words. You must make the people listen with respect."
"OK, OK, Tabata-san. I'll try my best. Are you trying to frighten your grandchildren? Have they been naughty? You need Batman to whip them into shape?"
He looked at me blankly.
"Again." he said.
This time I thought I'd try it in my best comically stern voice, the type of voice that only square-jawed cartoon heroes use. I had to speak from high up in my neck to achieve this.

"Hello you people. Listen to me..." I glanced at Tabata-san to see if he was getting pissed or not. He motioned to me keep going.
"You cannot not listen to me for I am the MAN BAT..."
I finished the monologue and he clicked the tape player off.
"Thank you, Chris-san. You are the best teacher. Thank you so much."
"Hey, no problem. Let me know if this doesn't scare your grandchildren straight." I said.
"Yes. Grandchildren. They will listen to this." he said.

After reading the script for Tabata-san, I had, as is so typical with Geos, five minutes for lunch. I went into Linda's classroom to eat my Calorie Mate cookie and gulp down a can of ice tea.

"So. Did you finish the little speech for the hostesses?" Linda asked.
"Hostesses? He's going to play it to hostesses?" I asked.
"He's going to play that tape at his favorite hostess bar. The girls speak English so they'll understand what you said."
"What?! He never told me that! How do you know this?! Who told you?"
"Ayuko told me." Linda said.
"Why didn't she tell me?"
"I don't know. It's pretty funny, isn't it?"
"I thought he was going to play it to his grandchildren."
"Nope. It's for the girls."
"Just what exactly does Tabata-san hope to achieve...?"
"I'm not even going to try to imagine."
"Do you think he has a Batman costume at his house?"
"Eeeewww... Stop!"
"Kinda takes "role playing" to the next level, doesn't it? I'll bet he goes home, puts on the Batman costume and struts around his house listening to the tape again and again."
"Stop it! I've got to teach him in an hour. How am I going to keep a straight face when the text asks us to role play a situation?"
"I don't know, but whatever you do, listen to him. He's the Man Bat's agent."

Whatever Tabata-san did with that recording, I hope he enjoyed it. I hope the hostesses who listened to the tape were awed by his association with the Man Bat. I thought about using the Man Bat voice to try to meet women in bars. I always chickened out at the last moment. I guess that's the closest I'll ever get to being a super hero, playing one on a cassette.

*NOTE* I told this story to a friend of mine and he tells me there actually was a comic book character called "The Man Bat." He was a very short lived phenomenon, only two issues of the comic book were ever published. Maybe Tabata-san was referring to that? Nah.