The FAX

When I first came to Japan, I had to stay in a hotel because the teacher I was replacing hadn't yet moved on. After a week, it was finally time to move into my digs.

Some of my co-workers offered to help me move in. On our way to the apartment, someone said that Dan (the previous teacher) had a big goodbye party at the apartment the night before. At the mention of the party, people smiled quietly to themselves.

"How come I didn't know about the party?" I asked.
"You were too smashed at the pub party to go to Dan's"
"Oh yeah. I kinda remember that..."
"Besides, it was a bit of a private party..." More smiles.

The taxi pulled up to the apartment building and we went up to my room. What greeted my eyes was a sight that is usually reserved for survivors of pestilence, war, and plague.

These weren't the hoof marks of your average barnyard animal. These were the tracks of rampaging, vigorously inebriated, spiteful, hormone-crazed, socially challenged eikaiwa teachers.

Scattered about the room and trying to slink away from any source of light were piles of filthy underwear, stray socks, and ripped t-shirts- all of which emitted on odor that could almost be seen.

A variety of ordure-encrusted shoes sprouting tendrils of bluish-green fuzz swung forlornly from the legs of the overturned chairs.

A stack of pizza boxes were heaped precariously in one corner of the room next to another heap of empty beer cases.

From the middle of the ceiling dangled a ripped lighting cable reminiscent of a frayed noose. No doubt it was shot out by an eagle-eyed buddy of the condemned. The two of them then galloped through the apartment shooting out windows, tossing whiskey bottles and scooping up hapless showgirls. There was a futon under the gallows.

"I hope that's a coffee stain..." I said pointing to a huge crimson stain that seemed to have rippled out from the center of the futon.

"Is that what I think it is?" asked Linda pointing to what appeared to be a Rorschach test smeared on the wall.

"I think..." I stopped as it dawned on me that the pattern wasn't a butterfly as my innocent mind had originally conjectured. Indeed, it was a pair of blood stained buttocks pressed onto the wall.

"I think..." I continued, "I think that was one hell of a goodbye party."
"How many people were here last night?" Alice wondered aloud.
"I don't know but it seems Caligula was among them and perhaps leading the festivities." I said.

"Well, good luck, Chris. Welcome to the neighborhood." Alice, the senior teacher, said in her sing song voice.

"OK, well, see you around. I guess I'll be busy for a while." I said looking around the smoldering ruins.

As my two co-workers picked there way through the rubble towards the door, I picked up a sheet of paper from the table. It looked interesting so I started reading it aloud.
"I have become a criminal..."

The others stopped dead in their tracks.

"Give me that!" Alice turned and snapped at me.
"Wait a second, what is this?" I asked.
"THAT is none of your business! Give it to me! Give it to me right this instant!" Alice demanded snapping her fingers as she weaved through the devastation towards me hand outstretched.
"Hold on, hold on! I found it in my apartment, it's now mine! Any confessions of criminality should get the proper amount of titillating analysis. Now let me read this..."
"Oh, fudge! You are not to say a word to anyone about that paper. I don't know how Dan got hold of that but he wasn't supposed to have it either."
"Oh, but it's OK for you to have it?" I asked.
"Yes. I'm the senior teacher at this school and my sales numbers are number one in Kanto." Alice said petulantly.
"Christ." I muttered under my breath. Not even more than a week into my stay in Japan and I had bumped heads with one of GEOS' jihad leaders.

I read the paper, smiled and clucked my tongue. More cracks appeared in the noble visage of GEOS. I knew GEOS was in the business of making money, I knew they weren't working on a cure for cancer, I knew the talking trade could be a dodgy one, but I never suspected it of this! This greenhorn was starting to wise up.

I put the paper away in a box and forgot all about it. Until recently...

The majority of the most e-mail we've received about our site--aside from the compliments--centers around the comment on the main page about being 'ideally white'. That's not how we feel but it seems to be a standard of the Big Three. Can blacks teach in Japan? You bet! So can Asians, women, non-high school graduates, vegetarians, and misanthropes. Come on over! The more the merrier!
Here's a sample of the email we get about being "ideally white."

Funny site, guys. I have an RSA, I'm from London and I'm black. According to your opening I should ideally be white. Is it really that bad? Am I going to have a hard time finding a job?

*****

Hi guys, just found your site and thought it was pretty funny. I'm coming to be a teacher in Japan soon and I'm black. You said that you should ideally be white. Can you explain why? Is discrimination a serious problem in Japan?

*****

Thanks for you e-mail. It would seem that the big three prefer white teachers. Of course that's a heinous social injustice. It also undermines Japan's internationalization process for whatever that's worth.

We think that if you're a good guy you'll be very popular with your students.

Everybody knows the color of your skin does not effect your ability to communicate. An intelligent, reasonable, concerned voice can come from a teacher of any color. Such teachers are welcomed in Japan.

About the race thing, don't worry. As a black guy, you'll be very popular. The Japanese seem to be on a "blacks are the coolest gaijin!" kick that never ends. If you live out in the boondocks, you'll get shit. But every gaijin here, black, white, whatever gets shit out in the boondocks. City life is good to us, though. I hope I've been able to answer your questions to your satisfaction. If you have any other questions, just drop me a line.

Cheers,

Chris

In contrast, Shawn recently received an e-mail from a seemingly high profile member of the African-American community here in Japan.

Date: Tuesday, 21 August 2001
To: Shawn
From: Darrell Gartrell
Subject: A Clue Not

Dear Sirs;

Your comment "Any person who can speak English clearly (you should ideally be white, by the way)" pretty much sums up what is otherwise obvious: You gents hav'nt really got a clue as to what the so-called 'eikaiwa' industry is about. Your lofty goals of leaving the classroom only to end up with a 9-to-5 gig is shameful. Afterall, your still a "salary man". A lateral move at best!

As for myself, I did the eikaiwa thing for SEVERAL years; but unlike you,who saw only pain and misery - I saw a gold mine.

Now I own 4 very plush schools in Osaka and Los Angeles, USA- about 1000 monthly paying students. We been in the featured in the local and national press(Asahi July 2000;English Edition & Asahi Japanese Edition Feb 2001; Kansai Scene, July 2001) as well as in US publications (Emerge magazine, Oct 1999);

Have a look at our main school and marvel at the NON-WHITE teachers (and others), and authentic western atmosphere both of which are main marketing draws.

Now please tell me again about what color (ideally) the teacher should be, and why I should limit my pursuits to a desk job like you!

Darrell Gartrell

Owner
Wisdom21

www.wisdom21.to/
*****

Dear Darrell,

I'm not sure what to make of your email. I don't understand what your point is. Your message, though, betrays certain things about you.

First, it is blatantly obvious that you have not read my site and haven't the slightest clue as to what it is about. Chris and I are not out to take on the entire eikaiwa industry. We never said that all eikaiwas are bad. We try to take the piss out of the big 3 schools, GEOS, NOVA and AEON.

Let me congratulate you, however, on being the first person to flame us on the "ideally being white" comment. Of the plethora of email we have received about this very comment, yours was the first rant. Everyone else has always politely asked for further details or clarification. Of the 123 articles on our site, you seem to be really stuck on this one line. I believe you have misread us. We are not promoting this position; it is a conclusion Chris and I have reached based on our experiences, discussions with school managers, and a fax we have from a GEOS hiring office stating that the staff were instructed to hire mostly single white males. In other words, we are expressing an opinion. We're entitled to do that.

I ask you again, what is your point? Your email comes across as saying,"Hah! I'm more successful than you! Hah!" We never claimed to be superior to anyone. We never said that all eikaiwa teachers are losers. We never said teaching was a low position. Why are you bragging to me?

I see your well-designed Web site, a company that looks successful, a school that looks like a teacher's dream job, a Web site that I would be glad to link to on my site and say, "Hey, here's a quality school," only to receive a spiteful letter from an individual claiming to be the founder and proprietor of a progressive business that is riddled with spelling mistakes and personally attacks me . You are in no position to criticize my lifestyle and mock me on the basis of the salaryman stereotype. It proves to me that you don't know anything about corporate Japan. I am a translator by the way, and make a good living off of it.

In sending me this note, all you have done is bring great discredit upon yourself and your school. You seem to have made your fortune. I wish you the best of luck.

Regards,
Shawn

Date: Thursday, 23 August 2001
To: Shawn
From: Darrell Gartrell
Subject: Re: A Clue Not
*****

Thank your for your message.

Unfortunately, I did not read it. but I scanned it enough to see that it is mostly nonesense.
Have a good life, sir.

D.Gartrell

So, what was the fax found in Chris' blood-stained, smoldering apartment when he moved in?