Return of the Native

I got into town about 3 in the afternoon. When the train pulled into the station my flesh was crawling. Here I was back in the old hometown, so to speak. Gad, what if I ran into a student? All the students were told that I had returned to Canada to begin my apprenticeship in the circus.

I felt strange walking the streets of Odawara at 3 on a weekday. I had nothing to do, nowhere to go. I was still getting used to freedom. Normally at that time I was teaching someone. If I was teaching someone, chances were that I'd be thinking of my other classes for the rest of the night at the same time. Some teachers thought that by spending weekends planning classes weeks or months in advance they could free themselves to concentrate entirely on the student.

My personal philosophy is that my free time, whether it be on weekends or national holidays, is exactly that: free time. I gave my students all my attention in class and of course I would always be looking for something fun or interesting to incorporate into my classes at all times but I wouldn't sacrifice an invitation to go drinking or travelling for the sake of creating teaching materials.

At 3pm on a weekday I walked passed the front door of Odawara Geos. I kept right on going. I checked into a hotel and went up to my room. It was half the size of the room I left in Vancouver and double the price. I got out my resume and went down to the lobby.

"Excuse me?" I asked the front desk girl.
"Yes?" she answered.
"Do you have today's Japan Times?" The Monday Japan Times is the paper with all the eikaiwa job listings.
"I'm sorry, today is a newspaper holiday. There are no newspapers today."
"Damn. OK, thanks. Do you have a fax machine I can use?
"Yes. Right over here."
"Thank you."

One of the strangest things about Japan is the "Newspaper Holiday" This is the day, usually once a month, when no papers are published. They say it's to give the delivery people a day off. When I was kid delivering papers in my neighborhood in Canada, whenever I wanted a holiday, I'd ask one of my buddies if he wanted to take the route for a few days or so and make a little pocket money. I'd then go off for a week and enjoy a break.

Canada and Japan can be very different places.

I couldn't get a newspaper listing job availabilities but I did have a connection. A friend of mine had recommended a school called Al's. Al was a Japanese-American who set up his own little school in Chiba. He sold franchises to family and friends up and down the Sobu line. They seemed to be perpetually hiring. To be perpetually hiring meant only one thing: they were perpetually losing teachers. The reason why they were always losing teachers could only be guessed at. I needed a job and a place to stay. Living in a hotel room was sucking the money out of my pocket faster than a coke habit...not that I'd know what that was like...

I used the hotel's fax machine to fax off a copy of the resume with the hotel's address and telephone number in the address space.

40 minutes later the phone rang in my room.

"Hello? Chris?"
"Uhh, yeah. Hello?"
"This is Teresa at Al's. We just received your resume and we'd like to schedule an interview."
"Oh, OK, yeah. That's great. Just like that, eh?"
"Yes. We need a teacher as soon as possible. When are you available for an interview?"
"Tomorrow." I said hardly expecting her to agree. I thought I'd call her on that "We need a teacher as soon as possible" line.
"OK. Can you make it to Chiba City at 2 o'clock?"
">Gurk!< Uh, yeah, sure."
"Great. I'll fax you map to our school."
"OK. Great. I'm looking forward to the interview."
"Bye."
"Bye."

I sat back on the hard bed. I couldn't believe it. I had sent out one resume and I had an interview lined up. All the years of being told it was virtually impossible to get a job on your own in Japan had been years of lies. Geos had us believing that we needed them. There was no other way than the way of the globe. Global Educational Opportunity Services was indeed living up to its infamous nickname Giant Exploiting Oppressive System.

With a single phone call the drooling bogey man of English conversation had fallen to his knees. Looking down on him, he was a pathetic figure in his armor. His shoulders were padded with East West textbooks. A cat-o-nine tails made of tape recorder plug cables dangled from his belt. His sword, made of a white board railing, clanged helplessly on the floor suspended from his belt loop made of ear. He wore a helmet with a phony mustache made of up turned white board brushes, bristling with uncapped markers. He clutched a binder entitled "Welcome To Geos" in his left hand and a list of sales quotas was clutched in his right.
"You fucking asshole. I trusted you. You broke all your promises." I said.

"Whoa! Snap out of it, Chief!" I said to myself, "Things to do. Places to go. Let the dead rot."

I like to travel.
I like the food I meet.
The people I eat.
Travel.
A trip out of town
Or a nervous breakdown.
I'd rather straddle
this razor blade
than sit on that fence.
Travel.
No matter where you live
You're still the same pig you've always been.
-Art Bergmann from the album
Sexual Roulette

That night was spent making my re-acquaintance with the local drunks at the watering hole for eikaiwa teachers and those that would willingly associate with them.

The next afternoon I was sitting on a small folding steel chair next to another job applicant. His name was Dwayne. He was from St. Louis and he was easily 45 years old. Dwayne wore a suit that was a little too old. The lapels were a little too big. The tie was a little too wide. His white shirt had a checkered pin stripe pattern with a button down collar. We spoke a little before the interview began and he told me that he "really needed this job".
I guessed that I did, too.

The gaijin interviewing us was tall and thin, in his late 40's. He had a lazy eye and a lisp. He said he had lived in Japan longer than anybody should. His name was Mitchell. When Mitchell saw from my resume that I enjoyed reading he asked me who I liked to read. The name Charles Bukowski didn't ring a bell with him but Somerset Maugham sure did.
"Oh you say that so well. That's the best way I've ever heard his name pronounced! 'Maaauuugham'." he said with an exaggerated drawl.
I didn't think I'd said it that way at all but I wasn't about to argue it.

"First of all, I'd like to thank both of you for coming out to this interview. I appreciate it. To tell you the truth, there is only one position available." he said as he looked down at our resumes.
"So. I'd like to ask both of you. Why should I hire you? What can you bring to this position that another person can't?" Mitchell asked.

I answered first. "Well, Mitch. I've lived in Japan for three years and I think I know the nature of this business. You've got to give them what they want. If they want fun and games, then that's what you've got to give them. If they want to pass a TOEFL test, you've got to get the material and be the best damned TOEFL tutor they're ever going to meet."

When I finished Dwayne looked at me, winked and said under his breathe, "Sorry son, but I really need this job."
From the duffel bag on the floor next to him, Dwayne produced a small tape recorder. He held it a little away from him as he scrutinized the tape counter with squinted eyes. He then placed the tape recorder on the table in front of us and stood up.

"Mitchell, this is what I can bring." Dwayne said.
He hit the play button and stood back.

It was obviously a home recording. You could hear the sound of the tape recorder being placed on a wooden surface. Then, reluctantly at first, a piano began to play "Tea For Two". Dwayne started softly dancing across the room behind our chairs. I turned and rested my left arm on the top of the chair and watched in disbelief.

Dwayne's eyes were closed and his head tilted down as he stood readying himself in the corner. He was getting himself into a zone. The cue came and Dwayne responded with a bright smiling face.

"Adjectives for me, adjectives for you, pronouns for me, some clauses, too..." Dwayne sang as he danced.

Holy fucking shit! What in God's name am I witnessing here?! Has this man lost every shred of his dignity?!

"I like adverbials, and you'll like them too, give me a chance, and I'll teach them to you..."

As Dwayne went on he picked up his chair and started dancing with it. The music came to an instrumental part so Dwayne put down his chair and just soft shoed his way about the room. As he approached I could hear him whisper, "One, two, slide, step, step, slide, twirl..."

Oh God, please strike me dead. Send a bolt of lightening out of a clear blue sky for the single purpose of snuffing out my life if I ever do something like this.

Mitchell looked down at the resumes in a flustered way. Dwayne danced behind him with a big waxy Broadway smile on his face.

When, oh, when is this going to end?! When is this poor fruity bastard going to sit down and end this embarrassment? God? Send that lightening bolt for him-right now!!

The music finally ended. Dwayne hit the stop button on the tape recorder and sat down.

"Um. OK. Thank you, Dwayne. You've illustrated your point very well." Mitchell said. "After considering all things, I've made a decision. The position will go to Chris. Chris? When can you start?"

After signing the contract and meeting a few people I walked out into the lobby of the school. Dwayne was there talking to some Japanese staff.

"Congratulations, Chris." Dwayne said.
"Thanks, man. What are you doing now?" I asked.
"Nothing. Back to the in-laws' house I suppose."
"Wanna go for a beer?"
"Yeah. Sounds good."

We sat at the counter of Shirokiya and ate yakitori while drinking daijokis of beer.
"Fuck. I really needed that job." Dwayne said.
"Yeah. You said so before." I answered.
"I'm just dying to get out of my in-laws' place. I just want to live with my wife and child in our own apartment."
"There must be other jobs out there, Dwayne. Here, have some more chicken."
"Thanks. I've tried all the schools in the paper. I'm doomed to live with my in-laws forever."
"Hmmm...that would suck. Are you going to eat that shiso-maki?"
"No. Go ahead. What am I going to do?"
"Have you ever considered something a little newer? Musically I mean."
"Hm?"
"Tea For Two is a bit old. How about something by M.C. Hammer? Something young. You know? 'Can't touch this-do- do- do- do, can't touch this..."
"Chris, that stuff doesn't speak to me. If I do anything, I've got to do it from the heart."
"OK. How about the Beatles? Something like, "I Wanna Conjugate Your Verbs"? Could be catchy."
"Hmmmm...not bad, not bad..."
"You gonna have that tskune?" I asked.