Let's Japan.org Debunking Eikaiwa and Ramblings in Japan

There are times when I think about resurrecting the Ask the Sensei column. Today is one of those times. There appears to be an endless supply of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed university graduates desperate to work in Japan. The latest request for work to land in my inbox comes from Josh.

I found your site through google by typing in "I want a Japan job". I'm in Canada right now and I've been trying to get a Japan job teaching adults for a while now. I have over 4 years of English teaching experience in South Korea. I also look good with a smile and a suit on me. Plus, I have the CELTA certification.

Can you find it in your hearts to help me through your various connections?

If you want, I can send you a recent smiling, suited up photo and my resume.

Thank you for your time

Josh, thanks for the note. Glad to hear you found Let's Japan by typing "I want a Japan job" and scrolling passed all of the job advertisements until you hit LJ.

I'm glad to hear that you can smile and that you look good in a suit because these are two crucial qualities that make an eikaiwa instructor. It's also good you appear to be motivated because that's perfect for teaching seven classes in a row in a highly competitive environment where you need to sell, sell, sell! Might I suggest investing in a plastic hammer and adding a ball toss game to your repertoire if you haven't don so already?

Sadly you've come to the wrong place. LJ isn't in the business of helping people find jobs. You say you have CELTA. Any qualifications or certificates you have will be wasted teaching eikaiwa. Anyway, it sounds like you missed 2007. Not only has the teaching English market been contracting for the past two years, it's flooded with teachers fighting for low-paying jobs. May I ask why do you want to teach in Japan? You need to seriously think about that question. Eikaiwa is drudgery.

PS. No need to send me a picture of your smiling mug. I don't swing that way.

On July 27th I had the rare pleasure of actually getting The Sensei to leave his confines in Chiba to visit me in Kanagawa. It's much easier said than done because he doesn't seem to like me very much these days! All that changed when we sat down for beers at a yakitori restaurant. I introduced The Sensei (not his real name) to some of my friends and they welcomed him warmly. I swear, the guy nearly blushed when they congratulated him on his contribution to the site. They bought him drinks and offered him smokes! By the end of the night I think he was OK about answering the questions he gets from Let's Japan.

Shortly after the meeting in Kanagawa, The Sensei (not his real name) left Japan for some time off in his home near Philadelphia. He'll be staying there for some time to, "meet some of the guys and visit some of the old bars."

So, this installment of "Ask The Sensei" will be handled by the winner of our "Be The Sensei" contest, Danny Bonaduce (not his real name), who styles himself as a big sweaty guy standing in the middle of the moshpit who smells like a goat covered in raw sewage.

When asked what makes him more qualified to answer the sensei's questions than a cocker spaniel and pink-shirted Price Waterhouse accountant once, he replied, "The cute dog and the revolting accountant were both pre-occupied with trying to lick their own arses. The accountant is closer than you want to know..."
-Chris

Sensei, between you and me, I like it when I step on my corns real hard. It gives me a secret feeling which I know I'm not authorized to have while I'm working. You know, "pay attention at all times" and all that bullshit. A good thick corn can be a secret lover, she hurts you without the others witnessing it. I get away with two things at once: a feeling and a secret. And you? Any secrets you could only share on the internet?
-Manheim Sturm Projekt

Your "secret" is something we should all aspire to harness. Namely, "Feeling good about bad thoughts". That's what life is all about. There is nothing more I can tell nor teach you, you are well down the path towards blissful contentment. Your mind is a conduit. Room full of petrified, catatonic Japanese students reared by TV games and dysfunctional families? Cope with it using The Corn. Although when you stand on the corn doesn't your glazed smile turn into a bug-eyed grimace? If you can channel this bug-eyed grimace to bring with it a soaring, secret, delicious pleasure, then you are the fucking stallion. Good work, Manfred.

Are you going to see the new Star Wars movie? Which character do you most closely sympathise with?
-Jar Jar Dinks

Remember when adults were adults and children were children? Adults used to be embarrassed going to see movies like Star Wars. It is a childrens movie. "Sympathise with"? Now I'm getting annoyed. Where's that fucking Black Flag record?

Sensei! Yo Sensei! How the fuck am I ever gonna get outta this fucking hell hole anyways?
-Uder

Why do you wish to flee the cocoon? See question 5 for more detailed instructions...

Sensei, I'm not an attractive man so I've grown accustomed to paying for my scrunt. Where is the best place to get hired pussy in this country?
-Hugh

Interesting question Hugh. If only for the introduction to my vocabulary of the word "scrunt"... a revolting amalgam of the words "cunt" and "scrounge"? Good work Hugh! Your stellar vocabulary more than makes up for your irreparable hideous facial disfigurement. Feel free to affiliate yourself with Level 6 of Kohlberg's Scale of Moral Reasoning. As for your question, good grief, I don't know. Grow unaccustomed to paying for your (gulp) scrunt. Have a look out the window. And There They All Are.

Hey Sensei,
How long should anyone stay in Japan. I mean, this is a serious question as I feel that Japan has already had a serious affect on me permanently. I mean, while in Japan, where the fuck are standards by which an individual can assess themselves against and strive to improve themselves upon. Before coming here, I gave a fuckin big toss about my appearance and gave a shit about what people thought about me. I had a good paying job, lots of money and nice clothes. Nah, Im just jerkin you off. I mean, fuck, maybe I am walking out of my fuckin stinky apartment smelling like a fuckin turd or something and I dont even know about it. Maybe my hair looks as if I've had my head stuck up that homeless guy's arse, you know, that one that hangs around Shinjuku station and jacks off over pigeons. Maybe when I talk I have drool or snot hanging out of my nose and I dont give a fuckin shit because there aint anyone out here that I want to impress. Maybe that stain in the front of my 3 year old beige trousers is gettin bigger.
-Skweekah

You can never leave Japan. You are one of us now. Actually, you sound fucked-up enough for me to prescribe the most therapeutic medicine available - the shitty yet glorious Country Teasers (Crypt records) "Send away to Japan for the best panty shots in the land...from schoolgirl up to widow right there in the palm of your hand..." These people are your kindred spirits. You'll thank me later as you join Mannheimer and I on the cherry-tree lined Path To Feeling Good About Bad Thoughts.

Hi, I`m a Jet. Why do people from the eikaiwa industry always take a piss at us? Is it that they are jealous? If so, do you think they have a reason to be? Our job is not as hard as theirs.. but it sure isn`t any less challenging. I would really like to hear more about the Jet and eikaiwai strifes.

I wouldn't. Jealous? Hard jobs? Easy jobs? Think what you like. You care too much. To quote from the aforementioned Country Teasers "Lie to get your money. Lie to get your hole. Lie to the Devil to get success, lie to God to save your soul". Or Bad Religion "The quest for truth, the quest for gold, we end up all the same, the common line, the righteous line, everybody's all the same". Or something like that.

What is Insurgent's email address? He is flaming the hell out of Big Daikon and some people would enjoy communicating with him.

I don't bloody know. Shawn and Chris might know. Keep it in your pants. There's enough random hate on the internet, let him "flame" away while the amorphous, faceless "some people" you mentioned could get off the internet and spend quality time with quality humans.

Q:

As my decision to abandon a (assumed, and compromising) position with one of the "Big Four" has finally been made, I'm heasing over to Japan anyway. This will make my 7th trip. (Japanese) Friends that I usually stay with in Idabashi, just moved to Funabashi. If you still live in the area, it would be great to hear from someone who has lived/worked there. I'll be arriving July 4th for a few weeks. Hope to hear from you. Marcus

A:

Dear Marcus,
Flattered as I am that you would like to hear from me, it ain't gonna happen. I live close to Funabashi but not in it. I very rarely go there. There is simply no reason other than the track. When I go to the track, I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left the fuck alone. Don't think I'm being a snob, well ,alright, go ahead and think that if you want. I really don't want to have to talk to anyone. That includes reporters from The Daily Yomiuri and The Japan Times who want to profile me for their goddamned weekend supplements. I'm not a museum piece for fuck's sakes! I live and breathe pure evil. Any little girl out there that wants to meet me, though, can.

Q:

Sensei, who do you like out of SMAP???

A:

The first one to die drowning in his or anyone else's puke with a chippy on each arm. It's never going to happen, unfortunately.

Q:

After 2 years wasting my time on JET I'm on my way to teach freelance in Tokyo for a few months. I've got about a dozen students already lined up but I'm a little worried about getting enough others such that I can afford to eat. Most of the time I think I'm a pretty good teacher but then I look around at the competition and realize I'm infinitely better than most schmucks out there. While teacher quality is obviously unrelated to the Nazi schools ability to stay in business, I'm wondering if just being a motivated, high-quality teacher will be enough to keep me afloat.Also, will not having a classroom be a real hinderance or are people generally cool about being taught in their homes?

A:

If you're as good as you are confident, you'll do OK teaching wherever you want. Try teaching at an an Anna Miller's restaurant. At least that way, between students you can check out those chicks in the cosplay costumes.

Q:

oi sensei
i'm looking to get hired teaching english this fall, but unfortunately,i'm not 100% aryan. these schools prefer blondes right? would they look down on kinpatsu bleaching?

A:

"Oi"? You just said, "oi"? What the fuck is this shit? Are we punks? Do you think I have a mohawk? Do you think I'm goddamned David Beckeringham (David Beckham -Chris). I don't care what color your hair is. Christ, fucking kids these days. Don't have crabs in your needles that's the only fucking thing you should be worried about. You got bugs in your pubes then you gotta fucking wash those bastards out of there. Get that medicated shampoo. What's it cost these days?

Q:

I currently live in China where I have taught pt (and continue to teach pt) for between the past 8-10 years. I have also worked professionally (again pt)as a freelance journalist and editor since 1989.I am mainly published in print-internationally and locally -in the areas of HR, law, as well as marketing, health and entertainment.

I am seriously thinking of upping and heading to set myself up to live and work in Japan.I would like to concentrate on my writing and develop this further. Could you kindly provide me some advice as to whether it is possible to do well in the 'freelance writing game' in Japan, without having to supplement one's income by teaching? Or kindly point me in the direction of where I might get further/such info?Considering
PS. I have read and heartily enjoyed both your postings and missives.

A:

Dear Guy,
I'm not a "know it all" despite however these guys at this site present me. If you're a pro free lancer you know better than me how to get work in any country in your line of business. I'm sure you could write a daily column for any local newspaper here in Japan from the comforts of your own home in Norristown, PA if you've got an internet connection. Fuck, if you can do anything well enough, you don't need to come to Japan to do it.

Q:

I'm considering going to Japan to teach english. I have an interview setup with GEOS. I'm no stranger to living in a foreign country. When I was 16 my family moved to Saudi Arabia. I also went to school in Greece. I currently live in Sacramento,CA. I recently moved here from the San Francisco Bay area where I lived for the previous 16 years.

I'm 39 years old and have been working in the information technology field for the past 10 years. I've worked for alot of companies and inspite of my IT background I'm fairly outgoing, friendly and have lots of interesting stories to tell. I have a BA in Political Science and enjoy a wide array of subjects. Alright enough of the BS about me. What can I expect if I do get accepted to teach english in Japan? I'm a Asian American who is half Japanese and half Chinese. My mother spoke fluent Japanese, but I remember telling me that she would be an outsider in Japan. On trips to China (my father is fluent in Cantonese and Mandarin), they would tell me that the Chinese will cater to the white folks before they help the non native Asians. I think you can see where I'm headed here. By the way I speak neither Japanese or Chinese. I've been totally assimilated by the American way.
Cheers,
Todd

A:

Todd,
If you get accepted to teach English in Japan you should expect a salary between 300 and 400 thousand yen a month. That's from your legitimate "job". If you hustle you can make a lot more. If the whole point of your note was that you're Asian in appearance and you think that is somehow a strike against you--- well, that's your problem. I'm not teaching English these days but I imagine it's the same as usual: if you're a good sport, and you patiently listen to your students, make corrections whenever you should, but mostly listen to and add witty remarks, you'll do fine and your students will love you. On the other hand, if you try to completely corrupt your students and take photos of this and show it on the internet, I'll be waiting for my share of the profits...

Q:

Hi Sensei,
I would like to commence by requesting that your service maintains its very high ongoing standard. I am doing so because I sense that the Sensei is getting fed up with all of these stoopid, misguided and fucked up questions that someone would not even piss on normally. Other than that, I think that your faithful readers deserve to be guided and inspired by your advice. We all love you very much. Now on to business. I was shocked to discover that corporal punishment within schools is rampant in Japan. I mean, not just a strap across the wrist or one of those WWF wrestling moves where the teacher picks up a student with head between legs and then proceeds to fall on head. I mean metal rod up the arse kind of corporal punishment. This student, right, was playing badminton during recess when he happened to miss a shot. The students and teacher on duty were obviously disturbed by this lack of skill. In response to this, the student and teacher proceeded to hold the young lad down while someone pulled his fuckin pants down. The other boys grabbed a 1.5cm diameter metal rod and shoved it up this poor fuckin kids arse. And, get this. He fuckin had to get a fuckin artificial anus put into place. The poor kids arse is fucked up! Now he's practically half human half machine - a cyborg if you will. I mean, what the fuck happened to "Hey toyoshi. No sweat. Better luck next time". Or "Stand in the fuckin corner ."
Please guide me Sensei - Please guide me...
Skweekah

A:

Dear Skweekah,
Whenever that guy calls me up (he means me: Chris) with a bunch of these fucking idiotic questions that he thinks I'm going to answer in a coherent way...well all I get is some coupons for beer that are going to expire soon. I'm happy to hear from fucking old Skweekah. Shit, guy, how long have you been wasting your time on this? Just a bunch of fucking jacked up bullshit on a screen. Nobody's getting paid. Hey Skweek! Beat the shit outta that one! (?????-Chris)

Q:

Hiya Sensei,
Have you ever been to a SMAP concert??? Who's your favourite SMAP member? Aoi Inazuma

A:

Dear Aoi,
Didn't I already answer this?

Q:

Dear Sensei
I feel that you should retire from your position here at letsjapan.org Your position here has been fun and very interesting. Everytime I come here to read your answers to all stupid answers I feel that you have done is all a favor by telling them to get a life. So my question is, Where can I sign up to take your place?

A:

You can sign up on the pisser wall in a Kirin City nearest you. Cheers, have one for me.

Q:

Sensei,
Looks like you really put your nose to the grindstone this time. I feel your pain. I'd go nuts too reading questions from kids wanting to know how to get some pussy week after week. My question is this: You say you're long removed from eikaiwa. It sounds like you have a good job. Why schlep advice about eikaiwa? Why not just put it behind you? You must be getting more than beer coupons out of this.

A:

I am not getting more than beer coupons for this. I'm glad you brought that up. I think I should be getting more for this than what those two cheap bastards are giving me. This is getting really fucking bothersome especially since I've only gotten laid once from some gal I met through this damn waste of time. I would very happily pass this job on to any other motherfucker out there with some time to spare to answer these stupid questions that shit head (he means me -Chris) calls me up with every fucking couple of weeks or so with.

Q:

Sensei, you really want out of this job? Well, I'd be more than happy to take over! I'd like to give some of these guys a piece of my mind, over and over again. If you guys are interested, just drop me a line at the above address. I've posted some of my thoughts here before, from time to time, and I think I'd do a great job.

A:

Alright! That's it, you're the one! If you think you can handle getting a phone call from Heckle and Jackass once every week or so, send your telephone number to this website and you deal with the fucking phone call. I fucking challenge you to do it. Before you know it, you'll be mad enough to live among people!

Hi! Chris here. Well, you heard it. If you send your Japanese telephone number where you can be reached any time day or night, you'll get a phone call with all the questions from "Ask The Sensei". You'll probably get the call at night (remember this is in Japan!) so don't get pissed if your evening prayer group is interrupted! The questions received are just like the ones you see above (and in the archive) so you should have a wealth of knowledge or a smart-ass streak a mile wide to answer them. Up for it?

Q:
Dear Sensei,
What do you do to bastards who waste their beer? I was very dissapointed to see someone pour out a whole entire keg of Kirin into the pavement.

A:

I am a White male working in a Japanese Junior High school. The money is pretty good, and the students are great, but I'm having a lot of friction with some of my co-teachers/supervisors.

I'm a certified and very experienced teacher and I get along well with my male co-workers/supervisors, but feel constant abuse and friction with the Japanese female co-teachers/supervisors.

Q:
I'm thinking about teaching in Japan, but I'm not a big fan of the alcohol. What other mind altering substances with recreational potential are readily available in Japan?
-Spike

A:

Dear Spike,
What ever turns your crank. Speed, glue, that shit old Japanese men slather on their thinning scalps, daytime TV, high school girls' underwear, or some stuff known as shabu. http://www.taima.org/en/speed.htm

Q:

Q:
I want to teach English in Japan. However, I do not want to be employed by any of the "Big Three". I have a degree in English and Education. I also have four years of teaching under my belt. Please tell me how to get set up as an assistant lanuage teacher in a public school.
Craig

A:

Dear Craig,
Buy a plane ticket, make sure the plane is going to Japan, get on the plane, pick up a Monday issue of the Japan times, and start dialing for dollars. That's it. Now, if you joined one of the Big Three, you could skip all of the above.

Q:

A friend who has no degree wants to come to teach using a fake degree she got off the net. What d`ya think?

A:

Go for it. I hope she has a contingency plan for if she gets caught.

Q:

Q:

Hey sensei-dude,
I've been reading the posts hear for a little while now, and there is one question that comes up from time to time about life after eikaiwa that I thought I would answer (no, I'm not going to tell losers how to pick up women. If they can't do it by themselves, then they don't deserve a woman and can go get fucked). I can't tell you about what happens when you go home, as I have no experience in that area, although experiences I have heard from my friends varies.

Q:

Hey, I dont wanna suck anyone's dick here, but I gotta say that this site's the business. I mean, I'm employed purely because of genetics and other things beyond my control - I'm surrounded by beautiful asian-babes who want no-strings sex with a gaijin -I'm in a country that's unlikely to be hit by a rogue anthrax-tipped nuclear warhead - plus Ive got GT3 for Playstation 2. So, why do I feel like a complete loser ?? sheep-slave

A: