gentlemens relish

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indoctrin8

gentlemens relish

Unread post by indoctrin8 » Sun Nov 02, 2008 2:49 pm

raelene had an idea for a woman only
section on here to attract more girls
to the forum. its a good idea. they can
all talk about puppies and cushions.

what im proposing is for this thread
to be for the gents only. we can talk
about shagging and tanks.

of course, we need an honour system
to stop anyone peeking over the fence.
but were all honourable people, so it
shouldnt be a problem.

right, here we go....


i spent yesterday putting a new tyre
on my bike. bent 3 spoons doing it.
i felt like a real man.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Wage Slave » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:05 pm

This is a great idea :thumbsup:

I spend this morning fitting a new toilet seat and I had a hangover! It even involved a little plumbing.

I wish I had a brick chimney so I could re point it - That's a real man's job.
Don't hesitate to spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar. You'll get credit for saving the ha'penny and someone else will get the blame for losing the ship.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Raelene » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:06 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

You're wonderful! Now I'll have to start a thread about puppies and cushions.

Oops, sorry for the intrusion ... carry on, boys. We need more hardcore bicycle/toilet seat stories here. I promise I won't peek! :)
[i]"Bored and decided to try her hand at a bit of trolling. Not the worst I have seen either by any means."[/i]

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Wage Slave » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:41 pm

I know an Irish guy in London. He sort of collects old Land Rovers and big Mercedes saloons, works on them and either sells them on or drives them for a while. His now ex wife returned from shopping one Saturday to find him de coking the cylinder head off a 60s diesel Land Rover on the kitchen table of their one bed apartment. As he says, "That was actually one of the worst arguments we had." :rotfl:
Don't hesitate to spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar. You'll get credit for saving the ha'penny and someone else will get the blame for losing the ship.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by SamhainP8 » Sun Nov 02, 2008 3:48 pm

Today I woke up, had a wank, went to work for 9.5 hours and then came home.
"Do you know how a falcon is trained, my dear? Her eyes are sewn shut. Blinded temporarily, she suffers the whims of her God patiently, until her will is submerged and she learns to serve - as your God taught and blinded you with crosses."

allblacks

Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by allblacks » Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:15 pm

Oooh. Noice idea for a thread. Much agreement here. Cars and their doing uppings. Boys toys...Im planning on getting a new car when the rego runs out on my current one. Was thinking about a twin turbo toyota aristo. They just fly. Drink petrol and arent kind to the environment. Bad boy I am!

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by ShonaiBen » Sun Nov 02, 2008 6:14 pm

I like this time of year.......lots of J-boots on the J-women.......very nice eye candy.....thank you.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by RalphWiggum » Sun Nov 02, 2008 9:22 pm

I'm about to go to the gym and lift some weights, then I'm going to come home and roast a motherfucking chicken and watch the rugby.
Shit wank bollocks

indoctrin8

Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by indoctrin8 » Sun Nov 02, 2008 9:39 pm

tomorrow im plannin on takin the
bathroom door off its hinges and
running a jackplane over it cos it
sticks a wee bit.

havin said that, ill probably just
feast on one cups and have a few
wanks, cos the bitter half has to
go to her dads. lovely.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Tall Tall Tree » Mon Nov 03, 2008 9:11 am

Does anyone else find hair growing on their temples between the outside edges of their eyebrows and their normal hair line? I shave it whenever it starts getting noticeable because I can't imagine what I'd end up looking like if I let it grow out.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Wage Slave » Mon Nov 03, 2008 10:04 am

Good morning gentlemen. Hope that jack plane of yours is about to see some action indoctin8. I can't find anything manly to do today. Worse, the wife has just suggested that we all go to Saty to buy winter bedding with my 10% off for a day birthday discount vouncher. Help!
Don't hesitate to spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar. You'll get credit for saving the ha'penny and someone else will get the blame for losing the ship.

indoctrin8

Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by indoctrin8 » Mon Nov 03, 2008 10:46 am

break the rice cooker then spend all
day "fixing" it. that should get you
out of the nightmare that is shopping.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Wage Slave » Mon Nov 03, 2008 11:09 am

indoctrin8 wrote:break the rice cooker then spend all
day "fixing" it.
Brilliant! Just disconnect the power the night before, sit back and wait to be called to action. It's a bit like the death in the family ploy though - can't play it too often. I think I will save it up for when I really need it. She has managed to get the kids working on their homework now so I am safe for a few hours at least.

S'pose I could wash the car but the kids always want to join in that one. Maybe I'll just head off to Eiden for a while and see what computer components are on special offer this holiday weekend.
Don't hesitate to spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar. You'll get credit for saving the ha'penny and someone else will get the blame for losing the ship.

indoctrin8

Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by indoctrin8 » Mon Nov 03, 2008 11:43 am

actually, REALLY break the rice cooker.
then fuck off to joshin to get a new one
and spend half an hour looking at ipods.

and im planing nowt today. i shouldnt
even be using a jackplane on a door.
its a smoothing plane i need. unfortunately,
i dont have one. i dont have a jackplane
either. i dont even have a bathroom door.

i just made it up to sound manly.

think ill just go out and wash the
harrier jump jet.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by SamhainP8 » Mon Nov 03, 2008 12:30 pm

Seems to be a lot of closet wankers on LJ.
"Do you know how a falcon is trained, my dear? Her eyes are sewn shut. Blinded temporarily, she suffers the whims of her God patiently, until her will is submerged and she learns to serve - as your God taught and blinded you with crosses."

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Tall Tall Tree » Mon Nov 03, 2008 12:32 pm

indoctrin8 wrote:think ill just go out and wash the
harrier jump jet.
Yeah, I had one of those, but I needed something with a little more room. So I traded it in for an Apache helicopter.

It's great for taking the kids to school 'cuz I don't even have to land; just hover over the building, open the side door and let them rappel down onto the roof.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Wage Slave » Mon Nov 03, 2008 2:45 pm

Yeah the Apache is a nice little runabout and it's a great little weapons platform. Very good in parking and right of way disputes or anytime some muppet doesn't want to show respect. I prefer something a bit bigger myself, plenty of space for everyone and all the kit. Mate of mine got me an ex RAF Chinook and had it fitted with Tomahawk cruise missiles on the qt. Course the petrol bills are a bit naughty but I can handle it.
Don't hesitate to spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar. You'll get credit for saving the ha'penny and someone else will get the blame for losing the ship.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by ShonaiBen » Mon Nov 03, 2008 6:09 pm

Today I carried a full container of toyu up a set of stairs and only used one hand doing it.Then I filled the toyu heater without spilling a drop.......
Shit Sticks to the Wall.........

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by sirwanksalot » Fri Nov 07, 2008 5:20 pm

Woke up this morning and went to the toilet to have a piss. It was half dark and I was half sleepy when I noticed the seat wasn't up and I was spraying it with a rare double stream from not cleaning up from the previous nights wank. Fuck it, finished my piss, wiped my hands on my white tank top and left the mess for the wife to look at.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Buggermeister » Fri Nov 07, 2008 8:18 pm

sirwanksalot wrote:Woke up this morning and went to the toilet to have a piss. It was half dark and I was half sleepy when I noticed the seat wasn't up and I was spraying it with a rare double stream from not cleaning up from the previous nights wank. Fuck it, finished my piss, wiped my hands on my white tank top and left the mess for the wife to look at.
Rare? Sheeeit, you need to do some more quality wanking then, my friend.

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The International Council of Man Laws

Unread post by Shawn » Thu Nov 13, 2008 1:02 pm

From: http://www.matthewgood.org/2008/11/a-pu ... rod-bruno/

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Jessica Alba starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However..complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick or punch another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos… Ever..Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox…End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics…Ever.

29: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by Tall Tall Tree » Thu Nov 13, 2008 4:14 pm

Oh my God, have any of you read the ladies' thread? :zzz:

indoctrin8

Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by indoctrin8 » Thu Nov 13, 2008 7:49 pm

of course not. its for the ladies.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by MacGyver » Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:45 pm

ShonaiBen wrote:Today I carried a full container of toyu up a set of stairs and only used one hand doing it.Then I filled the toyu heater without spilling a drop.......
You're only a man if you poured the kero into the tank WITHOUT using one of those ghey pumps AND you didn't spill any.

As for me, I'm off to Akiba to buy me a PS3 for chrissy! :thumbsup:
"Yous guys talk a lotta shit. I'm much more smarter than all a yous." - Samurai Jerk after being owned by the Let's Japan crew.

indoctrin8

Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by indoctrin8 » Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:56 pm

ooh. 80 gig ps3 going for 37 large.
AND you get a gran turismo demo
disc.

ive been dropping hints to the bitter
half.

mainly by whispering "ps3" over and
over into her ear while she snores away
like a warthog.

i need SOMETHING. my trusty old
gamecube bit the dust last week,
and if i bought a wii id just fall out
the window within hours.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by MacGyver » Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:02 pm

indoctrin8 wrote:ive been dropping hints to the bitter half.

mainly by whispering "ps3" over and over into her ear while she snores away like a warthog.
My wife wanted one when they first came out but I said no. Luckily she's a typical woman and she will spend whatever she wants on something she wants and won't pony up a dime for anything I want so all I had to do was say I wanted to get her one for chrissy. Too easy! There it is lads. Reverse psychology at work! :wink:
"Yous guys talk a lotta shit. I'm much more smarter than all a yous." - Samurai Jerk after being owned by the Let's Japan crew.

indoctrin8

Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by indoctrin8 » Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:09 pm

that was so cunning, you could
pin a tail on it and call it a weasel!

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by MacGyver » Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:19 pm

indoctrin8 wrote:that was so cunning, you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel!
Haha. Of course I forgot to mention that I now won't be getting a PC for Chrissy....Meh, I've got a laptop so the desktop was just for games and the guys are work convinced me that I don't need to play games on a PC anymore (at least I'm gonna tell myself that until I have the money for a PC...)
"Yous guys talk a lotta shit. I'm much more smarter than all a yous." - Samurai Jerk after being owned by the Let's Japan crew.

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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by sambo- » Fri Feb 06, 2009 1:43 pm

Its the fecking weekend so Im gonna have my usual beer in the shower after work(please try this if you already haven't, its sexual)-BUT was thinking of hitting something different tonight instead of my usual Hoegaarden/Asahi/Guinness... anyone have any recommendations? Maybe some decent import beer you've sampled recently that I can buy from the international store on the way home from work?
Cheers-
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Re: gentlemens relish

Unread post by exUsagiCoalMiner » Fri Feb 06, 2009 3:43 pm

Samuel Adams Winter Lager is pretty tasty.
"But it's got sharp, pointy teeth!"

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