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New Nova Diplomat Lessons

Something for a laugh.

I think I've seen one or two of these floating around the internet, but Jordan Pearson has been kind enough to allow me to post them here.

Japan: 

Comments

Is this the beggining of a new (and likely successful) enterprise?
Love 'em all but C51 is pure gold man, would love to see the roleplays.

Brilliant, fucking brilliant! You know what? They are so much more accurate and better researched than those poor excuse for textbooks DIplomats ever were. For the record, I think D51 would have been an essential lesson for all the male NOVA students out there! Those guys were so unlucky in the romance game...

"A Pimp Named Slickback! You say the whole thing! Like A Tribe Called Quest!" This gets my award for greatest Diplomat lesson parody....EVER!! I actually had/have students who would love to learn this!

This is the kind of humor that gets me through my day.

Brillant!

It’s interesting that analogies between eikaiwa (in particularly, dead and buried Nova Corporation, and now Nova G Cum), and the sex industry, are so often made.

While very funny (in particularly, the modification of that Diplocrap lesson), it does hint at something that is not so funny (although most learn to laugh along, because it ends up being a case of laugh or cry), and that is, most eikaiwa workers end up actually feeling like they have prostituted themselves.

There is something entirely unhealthy and unsavoury, about the way eikaiwa sells and presents the “native English speaker” package, and also, there is something quite sickly and repulsive, regarding Japanese consumer demand for it.

It is certainly not all about “learning English”.

That’s not to say some good and sincere people (including Japanese) can’t be found in Eikaiwa, and that some equally sincere “students” / customers can’t be found. Of course, they exist.

However, the parallels between working in a brothel, and working in eikaiwa, are certainly omnipresent, more so than in other “teaching” environments, especially at places like G Cum.

Haha, thanks. You're welcome to use them for lessons if you want -- in fact, I even know of one eikaiwa owner who already does, not naming any names... Joi Wong.

Glad you liked them! If you have any ideas for the listening exercises, post them up....

I believe E53 went something like this:

Fiend: Yo son, you holding?
Dealer: What you want, son?
Fiend: Hook us up with an 8-ball.
Dealer: Yo, that'll cost you -- AAAH! Mutha-F*cka! You stabbed with a screw driver! I'm a cap you!
Fiend: Peace-out, bitch!

When I first arrived at the Airport in Japan, and I said to the Nova guy who met me, that is was good to be in Japan, you clearly could see the look of sarcasm, and insincerity in his smile and nod in reply, and I knew from that point, Nova was going to be a rough ride.

That guy had, “I fuckin hate this shit, these poor, stupid dumb ass mother fuckers have no idea what they are in for”, written all over him.

The “managers” were no different.

Plastic faced mother fuckers, who you knew, automatically, had only opted to climb the barely existing “ladder”, so they did not have to 8 straight in the booths, and because they had little to no options, outside a job in the “say hello to a foreigner safely” factories.

My plan was to simply use Nova for it’s visa, and quickly move on, but it was 18 months before I could afford to move on, once the reality of their “loan”, their “probationary salary”, no sick pay, and through the roof rental charges came home to roost.

I was stuck there, like glue, beyond the first few weeks, pretty much hating every second of that damn job, and that damn company.

I only managed to get the hell out of TRAP EIKAIWA, by renting a shitty old house, that no Japanese person would consider renting (and probably most gaijin too), and living with the fact that if there was going to be a reasonable earthquake, then I would be toast (the building was on the verge of collapse).

Rent was next to nothing, and then, on top of my 8 soul destroying lessons at Nova per day, I some how found the energy to take on 4 private lessons a week.

At the end of 18 months, I had about 7 K, pretty much made up from paying almost no rent, and private lessons.

The point of saying all this?

This 20% pay reduction G Cumm is talking about will basically eliminate whatever savings potential that job ever had.

I ate cup noodles for crying out loud, most days, and barely managed to save at all, despite having privates, and despite paying bugger all rent.

This 20% pay cut gets swallowed, well, people will be doing the monkey dance in the booths, lesson, after lesson, after lesson, after lesson, after lesson, week after week, month after months, simply to feed themselves.

1 or 2 years of their lives, for no savings, and no real benefit.

You are no closer to be a legitimate teacher, is you do the Eikaiwa thingy, after ten years, than what you were, before you ever sat in the booth for the first time.

Of course, you can say, I LIVED in JAPAN.

Big deal.

It’s an interesting place, but if that is all you can take from it (and those G Cum schedules will ensure you Japanese studies are minimised), then you are wasting your time.

Money used to be the excuse. Now, even that does not exist.

Your time is better spent working in a bar, a restaurant, a factory, doing anything, that involves real exposure to Japan, especially, if you are doing the monkey dance in the booth essentially for nothing, which the 20% pay cuts will guarantee.

It simply ain’t worth it, no matter how exotic the place may first appear to be.

They are gold. Every one. There were some in the END OF NOVA thread somewhere too. Many thanks for the laugh I had at Novas expense.

I was there from March 06 to Feb 07. Way too long!

Virtually flawless copies of the books themselves. I must admit...I was somewhat of a NOVA goody-twoshoes teacher. But on my last day (had I known it would have been my last day), I would have thrown out one of these lessons. No questions asked.

Brilleant stuffe. Personaly I'd nevr use it thogh, as Im a cochientious teecher

How the hell do you work 18 months and only have 7,000 dollars saved up?

you leave yourself with no more than an average of about 450 dollars, from each of eighteen successive monthly paychecks.

Thankyou for the elementary Math test nostalgia question!

* Being Nova staff - ML sections with "Buttering up students to resign", "Deceiving visitors to sign up", "Asking students for lesson comments to turn into instructor complaints"

* Tough cop - introducing language like "get the fuck on the ground now or I'll blow you're fucking head off!"

* Brown-nosing

* Jive talking - ML example conversation:
A: "Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady got to be runnin' col' upside down his head!"
B: "Hey Holm, I can dig it! You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap upon you man!"
A: " I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get the same ol' same ol."
B: "Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'."

* Drill sergeant - "How tall are you private?" etc

Level Up!

My name is Paul, but my buddies call me Paulzi. I am thinking about coming over to teach with Nova from April 2009 for a year.

Can some one detail to me, an expected budget I can work off, for the year? I am not much of a party boy, but I plant to hit the town once a week, and travel on my two days off, at least once every two weeks, to, you know, see a bit of Japan.

Anyways, could someone let me know:

(a) My average monthly salary for the year (taking into account any probationary salary) – please allow one sick day every two months
(b) Want it will cost me for a reasonable Nova recommended apartment per month (including cleaning fees, non-refundable deposits etc)
(c) Utilities (noting I need a phone line)
(d) Social expenses (I like to hit the bar scene at least once a week, and then, perhaps two restaurants, either lunch or dinner, a week, plus couple of movies - I just love the silver screen)
(e) Travel expenses for getting around from prefecture to prefecture (so I can see a bit of Japan on my days off)
(f) Mobile Phone costs

I reckon I can throw in my own estimates for the cost of getting to Japan, and back again, with perhaps one trip home or overseas, at the six month mark.

I am hoping to put together my housing deposit, and a bit of a nest egg, so any real time information, would really help.

Thanks a lot guys.

Paulzi

my Salary 250,000 yen p.c.m

Rent 70,000

Daily expenses 3000 yen lunch, supermarket, laundry, etc.

Utilities 10,000 inc. gas, elec, mobile phone

Healthcare 5,000

1 night out per month 10,000

Extras 10,000

Total 195,000, so I can save 55,000 p.c.m. theoretically, but, after unforeseen extras, like 2 nights out, it's more like 3-400 dollars I can save.

And, as you can see, I'm NOT extravagant.

Yeah, you can save SOME if you live a spartan life. But you won't save enough to put deposit on house, in 12 months. Try 5 years.

Good luck, anyway.

Bro, I'd cut down travelling around Japan once every two weeks, to once every two months, and then you might have a chance to break even. Travelling in Japan is f**ucking expensive. Moving into non-Nova accomodation asap is also a good way to save a bit, but I heard G.com-Nova have got some new c**unt deal where they charge you some penalty if you move out of your accomodation before your contract's done. I'm assuming that in saying you need a phone line, you'll have the internet, so I'd recommend not going to the movies ever, and just downloading them instead, because the movies are mental expensive as well. Making these slight concessions will mean you'll have just enough money to pay for the drinking problem you will develop in the first few weeks. You know where you're going, man?

Holy Shit, for a pretty damn limited social life, you can save about $400 bucks a month? What the hell?

Man, they say they are going to cut that 250000 salary by 50000 (20%), and that’s more than what you can save, living the simple way you do, and that works out to be $537.918 green backs a month, CUT !!!

How am I supposed to eat, let alone see Japan?

Thanks for the information.

Time for a big rethink I guess.

Paulzi

Dude, I'm an ALT so I make less than that cat (about Y230,000/month), go out drinking 2 or 3 nights a week, and I still send home Y100,000 a month (which works out to be about $2k NZD at the moment). The key is getting a cheap place: my rent is Y25,000 a month.

I think Jordan Pearson can't really take credit for those. Those are variations on lessons taught at Wisdom21 ! :-)

To all the ex-NOVA staff on this thread, I agree with what you are saying, it really sucked working there. 95% of NOVA management were complete f***ing bastards.

My advice to people who are interested in Japan. Just work hard in your own country and then come to Japan as a tourist. If you are interested in the language, save in your own country, and come as a language student. To those interested in just making money, Japan is not the place to do it (certainly not working in Eikaiwa anyway). Sure it is possible to save a bit if you live like a hermit, but why bother! For most people you can make a lot more without coming to Japan !

Hahaha funny shit. What's Wisdom21? Are there more there?

You are right, that there is cheaper accom but it is very basic. I lived in 25,000 accom before, but NO bathroom. Just a toilet and handbasin in my room.

"How the hell do you work 18 months and only have 7,000 dollars saved up?"

In my first 12-18 months in Japan, I didnt save ANY money, let alone $7000...some people NEVER save money. Believe me its possible to spend all your money on wine, women and song and have a bloody good time doin it. Not everyone goes to a foreign country with a primary reason being to save cash...

I generally save 100k+ yen every month now, but I say good luck to anyone who wants to spend all their dough when having fun travelling and enjoying life.

Sorry, that thing about Wisdom21 was just a joke. There used to be an english language school called Wisdom21, the guy who ran it thought he was "street". However as I understand it the whole school imploded around the same time as NOVA.

Anyway those cartoons are funny. Is the diplomat text still in use at Neo-NOVA?

Thanks for the clarification.

Obviously, with this 20% pay reduction up and coming at G Communications Nova, I will be stuck put in Japan for the year, barely able to feed myself, if I intend going out, as I would here, or venture around Japan.

My motivation wasn’t only to save money, but if all the Japan Nova experience for me is going to be, is teaching from that book you are all making fun of, well, I am going to give it a pass.

Have decided to go back-packing in South East Asia for three months instead!

Again, thanks for the honest assessment.

Anyway……GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, here I come !!!!!!!!

Paulzi

I understand there are a lot of factory workers that feel the same. That they are just wanted for their bodies.

Holy shoot! 'Airplane' rocked, and the brothas were my favorites. Thanks for the nostalgia.

cry me a river.

Nova was the best man, I had such a laugh once I got to a branch where there was no manager breathing down my neck.
All you people bitching about it, there are a lot worse jobs out there than chatting to polite people all day and having them bring you food and shit and rub your leg under the table.

When I got bored I used to sleep in the cupboard.
Other times I's stand on the fire escape and contemplate life while smoking, or we'd all have singsongs in the staff room.

Quit your moaning. Nova was ace, if you weren't a pissy moany loser.

I totally agree. Everyone complains so much about Nova. Yeah, it was a pretty shit job, but it was one of the best shit jobs a lot of you will ever have. I worked at Nova as a means to go out and have fun in Japan. When I was finished with work, I was finished with work. I didn't think about work as I was getting wasted with my friends and having a great time. It was a job anyone with half a brain could do, so doing it with a hangover was no problem. I don't understand why people still bash it, if you hated it that much, get the f**k over it and stop complaining. We should start a thread about all the great stories we had from Nova. This is a classic that happened to one of my friends. He was working the morning shift at a small school with just one teacher and one staff. He ended up hooking up with her through all their time together. In the morning, before classes started, they were having sex in the instructor's room when a new "trainee" staff walked in and busted them. Oh Nova. Sometimes I miss you so.

If you were just out for some fun, girls or whatever, there was no shame in doing a couple years or so at Nova. I never worked there, but some of the companies I did when I first came to Japan couldn't have been any better.

What is sicking though were those who defended Nova as some great company and eikaiwa as a real career. Face it, as far as benefits, the way it treated its employees etc., Nova was crap (although it seems the whole industry is going that way now).

Your utilities were only 10,000?? My cell phone is more than half that each month, and I barely use it.

And healthcare costs go up after your first year if you pay them yourself. It's supposed to be 10% of your income or something. Not a problem if you are only here for a year though.

Nova certainly was a good avenue for fulfilling sexual fantasies, and not having to use one’s brain. There is no doubt about that, at all.

Resistance to not taking the job with anything but a pinch of salt was futile, shown by its ultimate collapse.

Eikaiwa, as a place to simply get by, while you drink and party in Japan for half a year or more, is an excellent choice.

The moment you take it seriously, you are eroding your party time, and/or forfeiting/making harder, your ultimate career path back home.

Washed out old dickheads, who know they have cooked their “alternative prospects goose” already, tend to take it far too seriously, but that is only a self-help measure to hide their realities from themselves. They have to kid themselves, about themselves, or face melt down.

Let’s face it, it does not do the self-esteem much good at all, to wake up each day, and say, “Fuck I am a loser, going no-where”.

It is much easier, in terms of being able to get dressed, and get out the door, to look in the mirror, and say “I am a professional, working for a major Japanese Corporate, and am an integral part of the Japanese professional business fabric and environment, working dutifully in essential services”

My time with Nova was entirely lurid, let me tell you.

While being lectured by a militant AT (and that AT was banging plenty of students on the sly) about the unprofessionalism of socialising with students, I was taking the pants of female Nova students, back in my apartment, weekly, for at least the first 8 months.

I eventually got sick of it, and moved on, cause I get sick of waking up beside some pretty little thing, well, not so pretty, when you have them naked, and you have already had your way, to then talk about hobbies, pizzas, movies and all manner of childish crap, which was no different to the mind numbing mush I had to talk about all day at work. Started to drive me bonkers, actually.

Eventually, a pretty little thing that could barely string a sentence together, and when she could, could only talk about her love to be in a foreign country, or boring bat shit crazy stuff, about inane hobbies etc, just didn’t ring my bell anymore.

You know, just could not get chubbered up over it (well eventually I couldn’t).

And besides, the gaijin girls were all looking at me sideways, like I was some kind of sexual pervert, and the more of these 7A and 7B things I put on the bed-springs, the worse that became.

I ended up actually missing being with women, who I could actually have an intelligent conversations with (before sex, after sex - you name it).

I never thought I would say it, but sometimes, too much pussy can be a bad thing, especially when all it wants to talk about, is inane crap straight from diplocrap, or its predecessor.

The real icing on the cake was seeing so many middle aged, pot gutted, balding men, with their cute J girls, and realising, well, hey, was not as if though I had stumbled onto something entirely unique, after-all.

But anyway, thanks Nova, for plenty of good fucks and good times, in my first year in Japan.

How can you get tired of good sex?! Sure, it may lose some of its novelty/luster, but millions of years of evolution and desire for sex is a lot more powerful than desire for intellectually stimulating conversation with women in my book.

As for what the western women think: WHO CARES?! In my playing days, I enjoyed having the tables turned for a change and having them chasing after me.

Of course, you are correct that it cannot last forever and only a loser tries to keep the eikaiwa/girls game going too long.

I don’t know about the previous two posters, but I got sick of it, just like any bloke gets sick of masturbation.

Eventually, given the communication barrier, for most of the level 7 students I boofed, well, it ended up feeling like masturbation, but into a twat, rather than with my hand, into some tissues (had plenty of Nova tissues spare at my place).

But the clean up was all the more messy. Not only were there still the tissues, but I also had to contend with a body that wanted to talk about nothing, and then I had to deal with the extended mess at work, where she would inevitably complain about me, because I did not want to have a relationship with someone who could only talk about pizza and movies.

However, it was good fun, for a while.

3D flesh impacted jerking off. More exciting for a while, than using Mrs Palmer and her five daughters.

Thanks Nova

Real guy talk. I guess there are not many women on this thread!

Is there anything more overrated than anal?

Yeah you get bored after a while don't you.

When I was travelling in Asia a few years ago all I did was shag, shag and shag, and that was it.

After the first few, it's nice, but after you get to, say double figures, the novelty wears off and it's like, yeah, whatever. He's your 10 Bhat / 500 YEN for your taxi home.

Have to say Japanese girls are no way as adventurous in bed as say Thai girls (maybe that's just because I've been unlucky with J girls) Has anyone actually experienced a "rough and ready" Japanese girl who'd do anything you asked??

The only advantage about J girls compared to Thai girls is that they are relatively "fresh". Yeah they might have done a couple of westerners before but then again a Thai girl's probably done a couple of hundred in that time

And yeah when you see some right old ugly western dude with a beautiful J / Thai girl it kind of takes the edge of it a bit doesn't it!!

I'm now married unforuntately - my days of going round shagging anything that moved are long gone :-(

An attempt to explain the lack of depraved, impromptu, blatant sexual debauchery regarding otherwise easy Japanese girls:

(a) Most Thai Girls that are easy are prostitutes (blatant, or in disguise), where as in Japan, the Western male is closer to that label, than the Japanese girl, when you thoroughly analyse it.
(b) Assuming neither girls (Thai or Japanese) are prostitutes (rare, in the case of Thai girls), the Japanese girl has less of a motivation to provide sexual services to the Western male as a potential avenue of escape from poverty – the Japanese girl, however, it motivated by escaping from the psychological constrictions of Japanese culture and society, and additionally, by “fashion”. Often, to the Japanese girl, it is a novelty type of arrangement, like trying on a new pair of jeans, or just having a little bit of an adventure, outside the Japanese “the nail that stands out, gets hammered in” restrictive square.

The reality is, meat markets, like Nova, had advertising campaigns heavily geared towards the points made in section (b) above, hence the point made in section (a), that being, when the shit is separated from the shovel, the Western Male in Japan is closer to be what could be classified as a hooker, albeit it a male hooker (with places like Nova being the PIMP), than the Japanese female.

I have a friend working at Gcom, he said that one of his students mentioned going to Thailand and hitting up a whore house, so he just went with it and spent the entire class chattin him up on what it was like, and even taught him the word "stud" meaning someone who goes to a whore house several times a day. Of course it was a man to man, but not much off from the lessons above. Also if I remember correctly, the author above told me that one time he had a couple students who requested an entire class on how to use the word "fuck," and said author happily obliged.

I remember a teacher who worked at the former Nova who would request entire classes with wrinkled, decrepit elderly students -- or "GILFS" as he called them -- and said teacher would happliy oblige them in a manner also similar to the stories above...

I`ve heard a similiar story about one of the old Nova teachers. Apparently said decrepit old ladies would often have difficulty answering simple questions such as what`s your name, or what`s a famous holiday in Japan that is currently taking place? Amazingly though, complex commands such as lick my ass while giving me a reach around were know problem for these kinky wrinkles of love.

Yep, I have heard of very similar stories, involving not so young cherry blossoms.

B standing for Businessmen....

...Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Aand, all the more ladies for the rest of the male teachers...

To all the dudes in here, be honest, how many Nova students did you bang?

Honestly, I lost count. I actually could not keep up with the demand, and ended up with a shrivelled sack, sperm demand being greater than sperm production.

Thanks Nova. You were the best.

I lost count of how many Novettes I banged too. Unfortunately, I got busted, when several students I was two-timing, in my school in Osaka, around 2001, complained to Nova, with incriminating evidence to back up their complaints.

I was fired, because obviously I wasn't as lilywhite as the Nova hierarchy, like Mr. Saruhashi, or indeed my A.A.M., who also had, as an instructor, banged students left, right, and center, and bragged about it.

"To all the dudes in here, be honest, how many Nova students did you bang?"

TOOOOOO Easy. Here's my record, during my two and a half years at Nova.... Over twenty staff, (once I had two staff on the same night, together!), a couple of managers (one of whom was married to my pratt of an AAM), a Block manager, AND a com station girl. Oh, and a few female teachers too.

I'll say one thing for Nova - they had a few hotties, behind the front desk!

Oh, and a few female teachers too.

i agree man! yeah, it had its shit days but, overall, it was the easiest fucking job ever! i'm still pissed that they owe me 2 months of salary i haven't been able to recover from out here in the states!!

Yep, Nova sure was an easy place to get laid, one way or the other.

However, the price paid for the kinky sex tap being turned on, that being, eight lessons a day of that brainless crap, and worse conditions than any of the other major eikaiwa, well, over-all, a bad choice to make, in my book.

Plenty of meat was the only fringe benefit that horrid place ever had.

I am glad it is gone, and that its replacement is floundering already.

I have heard it won’t be long, before G Gum Nova is on the bottom of the ocean, with HMAS Novatanic. Inevitable, really, of you think about it honestly. I can’t understand the logic they employed, associating themselves with that filthy name.

What were they thinking? Forgive and forget? Idiots.

When I first came to Japan, I considered working part time at Nova after hearing all the whoring stories. I wanted a bit of the action (I was doing kids class at the time and even I am not that sick!)! In the end, I got a part time job in a bar. The pay wasn't that much different, and I practically had to hit on the women. Of course, the work was certainly more fun and more skilled than working at Nova.

you can claim 80% of your unpaid salary back. You might want to check that. $5,000 is not to be sniffed at....

Congratulations on the bar job pal. Very smart move. The savings potential at Nova is next to nothing, so well done on opting to make the most of Japan, in a real environment, in a real setting, and in a real job. Awesome. Totally cool. I would read your book of adventures, over that of an eikaiwa drone’s, any day. Bring it on.

Hi, Any one know where I can get a copy of the diplomat?
I'd like to use it for some kids I'm trying to teach English to.

I think one thing I learned from my time in Japan was to stop bitching. The J staff worked twice as hard as we did and they made near half. If you are trying to make moves then make them, I was out of my nova apartment in 4 months and even on NOVA pay i was puttin away 100,000 per month. afterwards with the business english, part time, and an ALT job i put away 300,000 per month(grossed 460,000). That includes drinking twice a week, going out to eat every day, dry cleaning, living downtown. Dont listen to the people who bitch, they probably dont know any japanese, havent talked to anyone but foreigners, and blow their money on stupid shit.
once youve been in Japan for a couple months and you actually learned some japanese you can ALT and work nights in business english. dont mess around for anything less than 2500/hr and aim for 4500 or more.
In regards to drinking, dont go to the shit hole places, go to a nice bar and start up a conversation with some japanese businessmen or businesswomen, theyll buy, its a flawless system but you gotta learn some japanese and as you drink more theyll remember that they actually do know english.
Your students will pay for you when you go out to eat and you can find students who will pay for your dinners in exchange for speaking english once a week or something. two words for ya, nomihodai and tabehodai. If i want to drink i dont pay 800yen for a beer, i pay 1500 to get drunk for 3 hours. Its not friday night but you can meet some girl and fill your needs just as well on a wednesday or thursday as on a friday or saturday and call her back too.
Get creative and you will find that you can live in Japan on less than 120,000 per month including rent, phone, food, dry cleaning, and all the other odds and ends plus an occasional event. I hear japan is expensive and to travel it can be but I had a killer time and stuffed 14k into my backpack on my way back to the states after 16 months on earthquake island.
if you want to get ahead in Japan, learn conversational japanese, learn to read at least a bit, and you will find alot more open doors. If you gotta order in English you cant figure out the deals and Japan is all about the deals, I know all the places for the 700 yen all you can eat, the one day a week your favorite food is half off, and when the supermarkets give away the stuff that isnt up to japanese standards the next day but would be on the shelf for another week in NY. i had a weekly budget of 150,000 for spending money and I rarely broke it, and those were great experiences!!!

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